That Inner Child Still Needs You!
Oh wow! Would you look at that? I really made it through another year wearing this fake smile - I’m starting to convince myself is real. Maybe I shouldn’t focus on the whole year, maybe I should try to take it day-by-day. This dark cloud has been following me around since I was a child, and it hasn’t let up since. So, some days do feel like a year, and other days aren’t as long as I want them to be.
“Are you okay?” is a question I’ve mastered lying to. Sometimes those three words can make my whole world come crashing down, and other times it numbs me to my core. What am I supposed to say? “Yes, I’m okay” even though I’m not? Do I tell people what they want to hear? Or do I not care about the judgment and let my depression speak for itself? The truth is, I’ve been fighting for a very long time.
About age three is when it all started, and whether it was internal with my depression, demons or external with covering up and masking it, I’ve been throwing punches for years and I’m exhausted. Why keep fighting when most days are so dark? Why continue to be everyone else’s light yet feel stuck in my own darkness? It’s a repeating cycle of putting everyone else before myself. Disrupting my peace when I don’t have to.
That’s what happens though. You spend all your time worrying about other people’s feelings and emotions, you end up overshadowing your own. Neglecting that inner child in you who's been internally begging and screaming for help for years!
Over time it became hard to trust. It’s been hard losing friends and people who claim they understand and care. It’s hard looking at yourself and not even loving, but liking what you see in the mirror. How did I allow it to get this bad? Is it really consuming me? The fake smiles became normal, isolation is my best friend, and when people ask, “Are you okay?” I respond with a simple lie, “Yes” only to avoid confusing mental breakdowns.
Is this it?! Is this all my life has to offer me?! How could I ever be a good mother? Or spouse? How could I be there for myself? I know I need me, but the outside me is saying forget it, throw in the towel. The inner me is still on fire. A desolate, delicate aspiring to get healed. Hoping to be freed from this depression. As much as I try to hide, I cannot.
When I walk into rooms people pay attention. When I speak and words come out of my mouth, people listen. My spirit still shines even though I’ve been in darkness for a long time or at least I thought I was. I am now realizing even though the pain affected me, my light can overpower and outshine anything negative myself or the world tries to throw at me.
I’ve been my own enemy and biggest critic for years when I did not deserve to be. I deserve to be seen, heard, loved, cared for, and appreciated by no one else but myself first. That goes for YOU too. My inner child is now on the journey of healing, and I promise to never let her go. I encourage you to nurture and be there for that inner child, ‘cause FUTURE-YOU is depending on it.
